Grieving But Moving On

It's final. What we have is an anembryonic gestation or a blighted ovum.

We went for our 6th ultrasound (in one month!) and saw our OB today. I was better prepared to hear the diagnosis than C was. He was still very hopeful that the baby's just a shy one.

It's not something easy to deal with. I feel blank most of the time and find relief in watching tv and pigging out (had squid balls, fish balls, lucky me pancit canton, two bowls of ice cream and a bag of raisinets just this afternoon and tonight). Take me away from the tv and junk food and I get weepy. After all, we were on a rollercoaster ride for a whole month and then suddenly we got booted off the ride.

The doc says the good thing is we got pregnant without even trying. We also feel it's a blessing to have been given a "trial run" where we found out that we do want to have kids.

Thank you for all your prayers and kind words. I got weepy tonight reading messages from friends. Thank you and God bless you a hundredfold.


The Case of the Missing Baby

I didn't know how to write about this and I had no idea I could. Was quite depressed since Monday.

Monday's ultrasound didn't turn out so good. They couldn't find the fetal pole (that is what the baby is called in this stage of the pregnancy) and the OB says things aren't as positive as we'd like them to be. By this time, they should be able to see the fetal pole. Not seeing that means what I have is a blighted ovum, or a fertilized egg that stopped developing.

What a heartbreak. I almost broke down in the ultrasound room and finally did at the OB's office. So much so that they didn't charge me for that day's consultation and I got a hug from the OB's assistant.

Ironically, a blighted ovum is quite amazing, if you read about it. A blighted ovum is the result of the body's natural screening process. An error occurs in how a fertilized egg develops (can be the cells didn't split correctly, etc.) and it stops developing because it wouldn't be fit enough to result in a baby that can survive life outside the womb. Although the gestational sac and yolk sac develop (and the woman can have all the symptoms of pregnancy), it will be seen in an ultrasound as empty. Soon enough, the body expels the contents of the uterus as though the woman just got her period back.

Almost 50% of pregnancies end up in this condition but in most cases, it happens too early for the woman to even realize she had been pregnant.

I can write about this now calmly. I was a mess Monday and Tuesday. I have now come to accept and appreciate that God is in control and His plans are perfect. We will trust in His plans and schedule.

We will go for another ultrasound on Saturday or Monday. If they still don't find the fetal pole, then that's it. It's heartbreaking to write that last sentence. We had fallen in love with this baby, even when it was just a mere dot on the ultrasound screen.

Ah well... If things don't work out now, we can try again. The blessing about this whole experience is that we realized that we do want kids and we are ready for one.


Sound Trip #7

Was trying to nap this afternoon but couldn't. Starting to get bored with the long break. Decided to listen to a lazy afternoon playlist and rediscovered this song:

So very summer, don't you think?

Not much news from the baby factory. Waiting for my ultrasound (my fifth since March 26) on Monday, so the doctors can determine the "viability" of our pregnancy. Yes, that is exactly the term they use in the ultrasound report: viability of pregnancy. How clinical and oh so cold, right? Ah well.

I'm quite optimistic that this lil one is a tough one because she/he was there floating around in my uterus that morning I was huffing and puffing up the Buendia flyover for Condura 10K and she was fine after that. Hang in there, lil one! We can't wait to see you! :)

Here's another summery thing I'm sharing with you today. A photo by Australian photographer Narelle Autio. Borrowed from thevine(dot)com(dot)au. I'm kinda wishing I were diving into cool blue waters right now but for now I have to leave all the "underwater" cavorting to the lil one growing in my tummy.


Hard-nosed Pregnancy

As with all things I get into, I'm into my pregnancy, and everything about it, a hundred percent. This is highly evident in what I eat lately.

I don't think I have been this disciplined with my diet since... since... since... NEVER!!! Haha.

Went to the grocery and Healthy Options today to look for baby-friendly supplies. My heart broke when I saw the fat bags of Kettle Chips waiting to be taken home. I do not miss coffee at all but I pine after Kettle Chips. I had to turn my nose up at them today. I heard a whimper from the Lightly Salted line. Sorry guys.

A friend sent me two Swiss chocolate bars for my birthday and one of them is a raspberry chocolate, one of my favorites! Ack! It is still in the refrigerator untouched.

I am reduced to this tonight:

If the photo isn't clear, the bowl contains chilled singkamas or turnips. Ack!

Goodbye, Coffee, Goodbye

I never thought I'd say those words ever. Well, not until next year at least, according to our plans.

What will this mug hold, now that I am swearing off coffee for the next 9 months and 2 years (I plan to breastfeed up to 2 years)?

Taho? Hahaha! I can't even drink tea. The baby book doesn't advise drinking tea, especially green tea. Wow.

Just two weeks into knowing about our pregnancy and there have been so many changes in our lives.

As early as the first faintly positive pregnancy kit, I quit coffee. Just like that. And I am really so surprised that I didn't even have any withdrawal symptoms. I used to get severe headaches when I didn't get my morning cup. But so far, no headaches and just a really teensy bit of craving once in a while. The doctor says one cup is okay but I don't think I'd want to even risk that.

I had to ditch (or pass to the dad-to-be) a lot of my toiletries: conditioner, body oil, facial wash, sunblock and pimple medicine. They contain a lot of ingredients that are harmful to the baby. Who would've thought? For added knowledge, check here.

I've had to give up Kettle Chips (oh how difficult that one is!), chocolates and ice cream. No unnecessary sugar and salt. Although last night, I sipped maybe 1/4 can of Royal Tru Orange. It tasted insanely good! Nowadays, I stuff myself with fresh fruits like mangoes, papaya and pineapple. My meals always have leafy greens. Thank God we've always preferred brown rice.

Oh running, oh running. Sniff, sniff. Last night will probably be my last slow jog. The doctor won't allow me to run. She said I should wait till my 10th week. I had to beg her (really pester her with so many text messages saying I'd go crazy if she didn't leave me with even one exercise I can do) to let me keep swimming. Finally she relented. Phew.

Aside from those things, and C's overly protective behavior, everything's just as if I weren't pregnant at all.

Oh but wait... The symptoms...

I thank God that I have not had any morning sickness. Please, Lord, let me be one of those girls who don't have those at all. Please.

What I do have are constant bouts with sleepiness. I really don't take naps even when I work from home. But lately I've had to fight the battle with snooze. I'd try to resist by taking a shower or eating something, but I just can't beat it. I'll pass out for a good 30 mins. Just like that. Haha.

I have severe and frequent hunger pangs too. Even if I had just had a meal maybe 30 mins to an hour before.

I don't think I crave any particular food, but I like savory food like pancit, adobo, and this grilled chicken burger at Charlie's. Yummy!

Lastly, I go around smelling like bico. Someone with three kids and no stretchmarks told me that what she put on her body during her pregnancy was good old fashioned coconut oil. So if you smell something like rice cake (or for Sandy in the run clinic, ulam), I'm so sorry, that's probably me. :)

From coffee to coconut oil. And taho. Haha.

Someone sent me a text when she found out I was pregnant. This is what she said:
Your heart is no longer your own.
So very true. :)