Belief and Disbelief

I wish I were writing something happy after a long absence but as I write this, I'm thinking about you who are reading this blog, who are going through something similar. Sending you a big hug and asking you to hang in there a little more. Trust God and trust that He is good no matter the situation.

This sixth pregnancy was marked by a lot of disbelief.

From the moment I took a look at the pregnancy test strip and saw two lines, I couldn't believe what I saw. I was pregnant again after a really long time of stressful trying, trying to squeeze in some alone time with C while taking care of Rafa.

It had to be the cycle where we didn't schedule anything and just had fun. Haha. So I really couldn't believe those two lines. C was also quite not sure about it and even asked me to take another pregnancy test! Haha. But those two lines were there.

We were beyond the moon with excitement.

We went in for our first ultrasound a week after we found out.

I would bristle every time a nurse would ask me if I was sure this was my sixth pregnancy. Even after a couple of years and even if we have Rafa now, it is still a touchy subject, my miscarriages.

Again, the disbelief in the nurses' looks when they saw G6 P1 on my info sheet. I felt like a science experiment.

We saw the baby's heartbeat at our first ultrasound. It never gets old. I teared up and felt so overjoyed, knowing that little one was growing inside me.

The second ultrasound a week after at seven weeks went well too. All seemed fine.

Then the next ultrasound came at eight weeks. I knew at once that something was wrong. After being in that ultrasound room many times, I've learned to look for cues in the doctor's face and in C's face as well.

The monitor was partly turned towards me. So when the doctor turned it away from me, that confirmed my worst fear.

We lost the baby again.

Someone sent me an article about how painful it still is, no matter how early the loss. And I agree with that.

The moment you find out you're pregnant, you fall in love. Each day that love grows and you dream of how your baby will look, what kind of personality he or she will have. You think of names. You begin a countdown to the day you get to see and hold him/her.

When you lose the baby, no matter how early, you still pine for those little toes you will not get to kiss, those sweet, chubby cheeks you will not get to nuzzle, soft baby hair you will not get to smell.

We couldn't believe we lost the baby again. I didn't know what to say to the doctor when she said sorry. What do I say? It's okay. That's how things go sometimes?

We wept silently and left the room. I was thankful we had Rafa with us and I could hold him and hug and just enjoy him.

Our doctors also couldn't believe this happened. Everything seemed to be fine. The pregnancy after a successful one is usually easier. The body gets it. Things go smoothly.

As I start on the painful, physical part of the loss, I turn to C and tell him that I can't believe I'm going to go through this again. The waiting and the horrible pain.

People ask me a lot how I am. I say I'm okay. I still feel sad, but at least the gaps from sad to happy are longer.

One thing though that I know is that God is enough. I have learned through this experience that when I am stripped to nothing, when the things I have longed for with all my heart don't happen, God is truly enough.

I cry whenever I think about this. Pain and joy all mixed into a prayer. You are all I need, oh Lord. I know this and I'm thankful for the pain of this experience because I have learned that there is absolutely nothing I have or want that can fill my heart as much as You do.