Your Word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.
Psalm 119:105 ESV
A few weeks ago we watched The Lion King with Rafa. He loved the movie and we felt he could relate to a lot of the messages of the movie. Suddenly he was even more affectionate towards C and obeyed right away. Yay! Haha.
We could tell also how he disliked Scar, Simba's evil uncle.
Since watching The Lion King, Rafa has been obsessed with us being a pride of lions. Every morning, he would ask me, "Mama, are we a pride of lions?" "Mama, am I your lion cub?" "Mama, are you going to hunt today?"
Last night C noticed that Rafa had stationed one of his toy lions on top of an open page of his illustrated bible.
C asked him what was going on.
He then explained that that lion was Scar and that Scar was bad. He put Scar on top of the bible so that Scar could read God's Word and be changed by it. He said by reading God's Word, Scar could become good.
He also added that God disciplines those whom He loves and that God will discipline Scar so Scar could be good.
C explained to Rafa that Scar was a sinner like all of us, that's why he needs Jesus. And that if Scar believes and follows Jesus, Scar will be transformed through the Holy Spirit by the reading of His Word.
We bring Rafa to Sunday School every Sunday. Yesterday he was able to sit through most of the teaching but he kept fidgeting and bugging his seat mate. I just kept praying that he would learn something.
So it was a surprise and quite an encouragement when I learned of his little Scar scene.
Part of the Sunday School lesson yesterday dealt with God's discipline.
I'm so thankful that Rafa is learning about God more and more.
It's also a reminder for me that even when he seems to not be paying attention, he actually is. My responsibility is to just keep praying and teaching. God will be the one to touch Rafa's heart.
Thank You, Lord, for teaching us and loving us. May we be faithful in trusting and obeying.
My bestfriend's dad once told her that the key to knowing what it is you are passionate about is to check the contents of your bookshelf. What do you read about most? Then that most probably is your passion.
That was when we were in college. Now I think you can take a look at your browser bookmarks.
My most bookmarked items are recipes. Haha. Not fashion sites. Food.
At night, when Rafa has already fallen asleep and I have some time, I scour the net for recipes. The other day I learned how to boil an egg properly. Here's a good link to that if you're curious.
Last night we had dinner guests and I made chicken sotanghon soup, chicken tikka masala and herb roasted fillet of sole. I started cooking at around 3pm and everything was ready by 6.
I'm not saying I'm a good cook. I'm just saying I LOVE cooking. It just gives me so much pleasure. The measuring, chopping, mixing. The different smells (that chicken tikka masala was a dream) and textures. Rafa loves hanging out in the kitchen and I let him smell the herbs. What's not to love about fresh rosemary, thyme or coriander? Sigh.
The photo above is a snack I served Rafa and his playmates a few weeks ago. Just plain fried saba drizzled with salted caramel sauce. Got the kids eating saba and that made me so happy.
This week I'm hoping to make whole wheat pizza from scratch. I hope it turns out well! Let you know if it does.
I wish I were writing something happy after a long absence but as I write this, I'm thinking about you who are reading this blog, who are going through something similar. Sending you a big hug and asking you to hang in there a little more. Trust God and trust that He is good no matter the situation.
This sixth pregnancy was marked by a lot of disbelief.
From the moment I took a look at the pregnancy test strip and saw two lines, I couldn't believe what I saw. I was pregnant again after a really long time of stressful trying, trying to squeeze in some alone time with C while taking care of Rafa.
It had to be the cycle where we didn't schedule anything and just had fun. Haha. So I really couldn't believe those two lines. C was also quite not sure about it and even asked me to take another pregnancy test! Haha. But those two lines were there.
We were beyond the moon with excitement.
We went in for our first ultrasound a week after we found out.
I would bristle every time a nurse would ask me if I was sure this was my sixth pregnancy. Even after a couple of years and even if we have Rafa now, it is still a touchy subject, my miscarriages.
Again, the disbelief in the nurses' looks when they saw G6 P1 on my info sheet. I felt like a science experiment.
We saw the baby's heartbeat at our first ultrasound. It never gets old. I teared up and felt so overjoyed, knowing that little one was growing inside me.
The second ultrasound a week after at seven weeks went well too. All seemed fine.
Then the next ultrasound came at eight weeks. I knew at once that something was wrong. After being in that ultrasound room many times, I've learned to look for cues in the doctor's face and in C's face as well.
The monitor was partly turned towards me. So when the doctor turned it away from me, that confirmed my worst fear.
We lost the baby again.
Someone sent me an article about how painful it still is, no matter how early the loss. And I agree with that.
The moment you find out you're pregnant, you fall in love. Each day that love grows and you dream of how your baby will look, what kind of personality he or she will have. You think of names. You begin a countdown to the day you get to see and hold him/her.
When you lose the baby, no matter how early, you still pine for those little toes you will not get to kiss, those sweet, chubby cheeks you will not get to nuzzle, soft baby hair you will not get to smell.
We couldn't believe we lost the baby again. I didn't know what to say to the doctor when she said sorry. What do I say? It's okay. That's how things go sometimes?
We wept silently and left the room. I was thankful we had Rafa with us and I could hold him and hug and just enjoy him.
Our doctors also couldn't believe this happened. Everything seemed to be fine. The pregnancy after a successful one is usually easier. The body gets it. Things go smoothly.
As I start on the painful, physical part of the loss, I turn to C and tell him that I can't believe I'm going to go through this again. The waiting and the horrible pain.
People ask me a lot how I am. I say I'm okay. I still feel sad, but at least the gaps from sad to happy are longer.
One thing though that I know is that God is enough. I have learned through this experience that when I am stripped to nothing, when the things I have longed for with all my heart don't happen, God is truly enough.
I cry whenever I think about this. Pain and joy all mixed into a prayer. You are all I need, oh Lord. I know this and I'm thankful for the pain of this experience because I have learned that there is absolutely nothing I have or want that can fill my heart as much as You do.