Here Comes The Rain Again

It's been raining so hard lately. I'm sure I'm not alone when I say that a little hard rain makes me think of that day that Ondoy (international name Ketsana) came and flooded so many places and took so many lives. I pray we will be spared from something like that.

I got a call from an aunt this morning. She had heard about our last miscarriage and was offering help in finding a doctor to help us. I really appreciate how my family helps in times of trouble.

I just find it difficult to explain to people what our condition is. Most often we are referred to a fertility specialist. Maybe I'm just defensive but I always take pains to explain that we do get pregnant. Quite easily, if I may say so. It's the carrying to full-term that we have problems with.

It's that my body doesn't recognize tissue coming from C and so it treats the pregnancy as an infection and fights it. That's the simplest explanation. I wish the solution can be as simple.

Our new OB told us I might need to have daily heparin shots. We asked the immunologist over the weekend (when I got my 4th LIT shots) and she said we can have the shots once a day or twice a day, depending on the dosage that we get. We'll have to do it for the first 12 weeks of pregnancy. Heparin is a blood thinner and from what I've read, it gets processed by the body easily and I guess get's peed out quickly, hence the need for the daily shots.

Whew. The road ahead...


Don't Hold Back

I'm excited to be a mom.

But worry too about a lot of things, one of them is if I'd change and become staid and boring, always wagging a finger at my kids (yes I'd love two please) and saying NO.

Read this today and thought I'd bookmark it to remind me and bring me back in case I get lost along the way.

Having a great weekend. Watched Knight and Day with C and really loved it. It's silly, funny and exciting. And Tom Cruise's smile. Awesome.


Breakfast Dates

I'm a sucker for breakfast dates. Even with just my book of the moment or a favorite hat or pair of earrings. Any excuse to have a relaxed, quiet breakfast. I love it most when it's a week day and everyone's gone rushing to office and the people I'm with at the breakfast place are retirees talking about packaged tours and Facebook (yes, them oldies have Facebook!).

Today I was on my way to the patternmaker at 615am. When I got back to the house, I just had time to eat a slice of mango then had to bring C to the train station. On the way back, I decided to sneak off to a date with this:

Max's Chicken Longganisa

I'm fond of Starbucks or McDonald's (yeouch!) for on-the-go breakfast but really... nothing beats our native chicken longganisa (Filipino sausage) and fried rice (with two eggs, not just one like in the picture) and proper cutlery. The longganisa has the right sweet and spicy taste and dipped in garlic-filled vinegar, it was perfect. Mmmmmm!

And it comes with coffeeeeee!!!! I know I've quit but once in a while there's just no escape. So I had a cup this morning and my oh my how de-caffeinated I've truly been. I felt so majorly AWAKE after that cup. And I felt like I could see better. Hahaha! I got home in less than 10 minutes. The car felt like Herbie.

Hope you are having a swell day. TGIF!


How Pretty Is This?!

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Love the fabric, the nail polish, the rings... ahhhhh everything! I'm not a bow fan but yes, even the bow. It just ties the whole look together. ;-)

Picture from here.

(Still) Summer Days

Though it has started to rain (almost every afternoon in our area), most days it still feels like summer.

Some of the things I saw yesterday:

A reminder to me not to pass this route at lunch time. High school kids get off school and the next batch waits on the other side of the road. Takes forever to get through. But I love seeing kids in school. That's where they're supposed to be.

In between client meetings I had time for a swim. Look at that gorgeous sky! I turned two shades darker. Thank you, Mister Sun! :)


Christmas Moments

I had a Christmas moment in Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf last night.

I don't know what led to it. Maybe the ethereal-ish song playing in the background was nearing a crescendo as I contemplated the pattern on the overhead lamps plus all the yellow lighting. It just felt like Christmas and I was so happy in that moment. A few seconds of unexpected bliss.

I'm quite sure you have those kinds of moments too. Perhaps when a plan falls into perfect place? Or when your haircut or hair color turns out better than you expected? Or when you put on a pair of pants and they're an inch or two loose? Or just when you can space out and stare at overhead lighting? Haha.

May those moments sneak up on us more often!

The Dog Days Are Over

My current favorite. Makes you want to get up and dance!


I'm Ready To Tell You About Jellybean

This is our family photo. C, me and our Jellybean.

This was taken on May 10 before we left the house to vote. We were very excited to vote. Very serious about it, wearing white (that's what you should've worn to signify that after all the election color wars, that day was for the country, regardless of the color you supported), folded sample ballot in pocket, umbrella and an ice pack for me to keep cool.

The lines to vote were very long. Our first automated elections and the election officers and the voters were still getting a hang of the new system.

If I recall correctly, it took me less than 30 minutes to vote.

Here I am outside the precinct, excited and happy to have used my pregnant woman pass.

Wearing a dress that would pass for a maternity dress, for emphasis. I even had my ultrasound report in my bag, in case they needed proof I was pregnant.

On May 15 we went for another ultrasound and saw Jellybean for the very first time. I was 7 weeks and 2 days. We cried.

C and I should've had a picture here together. Us three.

Here's C at the hospital cafeteria where we got a snack while waiting for the ultrasound printout.

We kept on tearing up as we looked at the video he took of Jellybean and her very strong heartbeat. 171bpm. Next to getting married to C, that moment when we saw Jellybean was the happiest in my life.

We found out we were pregnant on April 17 at 8:15 am.

We loved her and the thought of her. We talked to her many many many times during the day. I quit coffee. And chocolates. I switched to C's side of the bed so I could sleep on my left side. We sang to her. Wrote to her. We made a blog so we could write to her everyday. I used a special Van Gogh notebook that Gina bought for me from Paris to jot down letters to Jellybean when I was away from the computer (I almost never use a notebook unless I had a second piece to just keep for my collection) Ginger (our labrador) knew I was pregnant. She followed me around and almost never left my side. We loved Jellybean. So much.

But we lost her. On May 26 I went for an ultrasound because I thought I was bleeding. Only to find out that Jellybean had gone to heaven. Just two days after we saw her.

I am amazed that I haven't cried while writing this. I thought of what to say here as I was driving home from buying groceries. I felt weepy in the car. But now there are no more tears.

I keep thinking what I would be now if I didn't believe in heaven. What I'd be now if I didn't know Jesus. What I'd be now if I wasn't sure of heaven. What I'd be now if I wasn't sure that Jellybean is in heaven and that someday I will see her and hold her and hug her and tell her personally how much I love her. Okay that makes me cry. I know she knows we love her. We told her several times. And I've prayed many many many times to Jesus to tell her we love her and we would've wanted to see her and have her here. That is my only wish.

I have no regrets. I have no more bitterness. I was angry. Very very very angry. At our old doctor. At myself. At God. For several days. Weeks.

But I know God can take my anger. My disappointment. He never changes. His love and goodness and lovingkindness don't change. I know this. I am sure of this.

We miss Jellybean. We think about her often. We talk about her often.

Somewhere in those dark days, God made me realize that I had to move on and be happy. That I had to learn again to hope and be fearless. We owe this to the baby we will have again. We can't be detached. We can't be afraid. We have to learn to hope again and laugh again and have some innocence again for the next pregnancy. We owe it Jellybean and her sibling/s.

During those dark days I thought I wouldn't make it through. But God saw me through. I guess that's what I want to tell you.

And I wanted to tell you too about Jellybean. She was a good kid, our first baby.

Photo For Posterity

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This is a newly constructed road that I pass through whenever I go to Mang Nado the patternmaker.

It must've been finished maybe just a month ago. Before it was truly finished, passing through this road felt like being on a road trip far from the city, with dogs and chickens and children playing casually, oblivious to traffic which consisted of me and the occasional tricycle.

The road is long (like a song) and wide and right now it looks fresh and clean. Soon enough it will be busy with a jeepney line plying the whole length then maybe in a few years there will be a Starbucks on it. Hahaha.

I woke up very early today to bring fabric for cutting to Mang Nado. It was so early C seemed upset. I don't know why but maybe he's not used to me being up and about before he was. Haha.

The road was almost empty and I thought I'd take pictures so that someday I'd be cool and have some old pictures to share on Facebook (or whatever time-waster we'd have then) of this road when it was young and traffic-(and Starbucks) free.


Morning Fix

Since quitting coffee, I had to find a new morning fix.

Good thing I found Caroline.

I get inspiration on what to wear from her wonderful site.

Love you, Caroline!

Photo from here.


Cool Change

College was a period of immense discovery for me. Adventures, heartaches, independence, bad haircuts and cool songs.

If I had an ipod back then, this song would've been one of the most played tracks. Anthem to getting over a heartbreak, getting a new haircut, going on a road trip, or just riding the bus with nowhere to go and nothing to do but look at old buildings.