Running With The Bulls, este Boys

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

–– from the movie Coach Carter

C shared this with me last night as I was telling him about last night's run clinic.

We did two sets of 3x400m. And I got lumped with the boys, together with another girl who's quite new to the clinic.

I find it difficult to run with a group because I always feel pressured to keep pace with everyone. Human nature not to want to be the last!

I think having that cup of Nissin Yakisoba an hour and a half before the run helped a lot because I had energy to keep up with the boys. Not just keep up but beat them in one lap. There I said it.

At the end of each lap, the guys and the coaches would often tease me that I was fast. Nilalampaso ang boys.

The new girl also kept asking how I could run so fast.

I would cringe at each compliment. I'm not comfortable with praise. Because honestly, I run for myself. I push myself because I like challenging myself. It's not to impress or get praised. Honest.

Being praised feels good of course. But it really makes me uncomfortable. What to say? "Thank you"? Ang yabang naman. So I end up saying: "hindi naman... ", sabay tungo and pretend to flick away some lint.

I feel proud of course to have earned the right to run with the boys (usually the clinic is divided into two or three groups, sometimes four, based on skill level). Heck I feel so damn proud.

But I also don't want to be seen as conceited or one of those people who push to excel so they'd be noticed and praised. I think I'd push myself as much even when no one's looking.

I've become close to two boys in the clinic: Noel and Winsley. We're pretty much regular attendees in the clinics and we seem to agree that we're in this for the long haul.

Last night, they kept on teasing me about my speed. And I told them, there are some points in the lap when I can see dots already. Really! Sabi ko nga, there are times I'm just following the sound in front of me kasi wala na akong makita. Hahaha! Talk about blacking out from the effort.

And that I guess is what I honestly want to say when someone asks how I do it. I push myself. I push till I'm almost blacking out. Bahala na, bubuhatin naman siguro ako pag nahimatay ako. It's not something that comes easily. I really give it my all each time. Because it's a good feeling to do that! That plain and simple.

But how to accept praise with grace is difficult. Because when I say "hindi naman", I'm not being truthful, right? Because the fact is, I was fast. I wish I could follow Coach Carter's advice and just be comfortable with praise. To own it. If it means freeing other people (like that new girl) to do better, to be the best they can be. (That sounds so cheesy, I know.) But how to do it is something I still need to learn.

For now, I'm just happy I can tell C (and you, reader) when I've done a good job.

My legs are shaking today. And that makes me smile. :)


Anonymous said...

Hello MCN,

Know some runners who started running late in their lives and found out they have the gift. Who knows, you might be just one of them genetically-gifted persons.

makescoffeenervous said...

Hello Anon!

I'm not sure about being genetically-gifted. I do have big calves. That's about it. Haha.

I don't have grand dreams for running. Just want to keep at it for a long time and maybe occasionally surprise myself. :)

Thank you for reading my blog!

GINA said...

You ARE fast, kaya! And when it comes to praise, yeah, you should own it. You deserve it, dear. =)

Congratulations on yet another successful training. Beat the boys once more!! =P And see you hopefully in the next runs! (Cecil and I are deploring the fact that we haven't been running lately because of work. Stress! Ack.)

Anonymous said...

mcn used to beat the crap out of me and one other male runner each time we ran in moro lorenzo. not anymore haha. vowed to make her eat my dust (yup that's my motivation hahaha). not too sure tho about the other guy haha. he's doing 15s and 21s now so mcn and him don't get to race together. but i'd bet my last centavo on mcn. will update you what happens when they finally meet.


makescoffeenervous said...

@Gina: I was going to post on your wall that I miss seeing you in the races but thought I was being cheesy. Haha. Hope to see you guys soon.

On praise... I don't know if I'll ever learn to own it. Haha. I know you know how it feels, just being 'answerable' to yourself. Must be how it is for you in boxing AND running.

@C: Who was that?! I don't remember who we ran with in Moro! That was eons ago! And yes, I do eat your dust now! You are a run maniac and I hate (hehe) training with you!

GINA said...

True! Most of the time anyway, we're answerable to our own selves. When we think (by our own standards) that we did well, then that makes us happy, and being happy about one's self is great!

The praise from other people is just the icing on the cake. So enjoy it, even if it makes you uncomfortable at times. Haha.

makescoffeenervous said...

@Gina: "So true... funny how it seems..." Hahaha! :) *sabihin mong alam mo ang kantang yan, kahit mas bata ka! hahaha!*